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Stop Resisting Success
Articles > Stop Resisting Your Success (cover story from personal success magazine).
By Marie-Louise Cook.
The greater the resistance you feel to making a change, the bigger the potential
reward when you do, according to internationally best-selling author and personal
development coach Nick Williams. Overcome your resistance and you might soon
be celebrating your biggest ever success.
If your hopes of living a more meaningful, exciting life remain this side
of wishful thinking then you are already acquainted with resistance… it’s
that invisible fear barrier that keeps you from reaching your full potential
and being the person you most want to be.
Best-selling author and personal development coach Nick Williams is no stranger
to resistance. Once, it nearly kept him from taking the plunge to fulfil his
life’s purpose - helping people all over the world to discover their calling
and turn their passions into successful ‘inspired businesses’ -
but now, more than 20 years on, he knows it’s something to celebrate rather
than fear…
‘I have learned that resistance is a pointer, and that what I have resisted
most is usually also the true direction of my life. I have found that when I
have gone out on a limb and been bold, I have found fruitfulness and rewards
beyond my dreams.
‘I know that a large element in creating the success I have is because
I have learned to recognise, understand and overcome my own resistance,’
he says.
Williams came to the public’s attention after the publication of The
Work We Were Born To Do (Element, 1999) which provided guidelines for discovering
your life purpose and making money while following your heart’s desire.
He’s since written another four books* and addressed audiences around
the world in his mission to help others find the work they were born to do.
‘One of the great passions in my life is liberating the potential and
talent within people - both for myself and helping others do the same.’
In fact, he’s so committed to the cause of helping people find their life
purpose that he’s offering free downloads of The Work We Were Born To
Do (condensed from the 382-page original to 30 pages) from his website and hopes
to have reached a goal of one million downloads by 2012.
‘I wanted to create something quick and easy to read - something that
would take hours to absorb instead of days. But most of all, I wanted an opportunity
to encapsulate the nuggets of wisdom I’ve accumulated during my years
of teaching - and to create a multimedia experience that would reignite the
belief that it’s possible to work for love and money.’
The reason he’s so determined to help is that he knows the misery of
doing something you think you ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to
rather than what you most love. He spent over a decade working at what he thought
he ‘should do’ – selling computers to banks - and although
he earned a lot, drove a BMW and owned an expensive flat in one of London’s
most desirable areas, he was a long way from happy. ‘Trapped in an inner
hell’ was how he actually described it.
‘Growing up I did many of the things I was supposed to do and were socially
acceptable – I studied hard and got good qualifications, I worked hard,
did well, became fairly successful selling computers to Japanese Banks in the
City of London. I was fairly happy to start with, but increasingly found it
didn’t hold much meaning for me. My heart wasn’t in it.
‘I was pretty clear that I had not been put on this planet to sell computers,
but was much less clear about what I was born for. I thought, “Well, I’ve
got everything that should make me happy.” Deep down, I felt quite unfulfilled
and quite unhappy. I wondered what was wrong with me.’
Like many people before and after him, Williams went to counsellors and therapists
for help, read self-help, spiritual and psychology books and went on personal
development courses in his quest to find that missing something. What he discovered
was to fundamentally change his life and from there, the lives of thousands
and thousands of people… What he found had nothing to do with selling
computers or the external trappings of success…
‘Something was missing and it was me and my spirit. I was failing to
be authentic and true to myself; I was playing roles and putting on masks to
get people to approve of me and to like me and to show how good I was. Although
in many respects I had been very successful, I still couldn’t hide the
fact that the real and authentic me – my heart, my inspiration, creativity,
love and passion – were largely absent in my daily life. Because I was
hiding behind masks and roles, I was getting and achieving a lot, but I was
receiving very little. And the real me was starving.
‘Deep in my heart I felt I’d love to teach others, inspire people,
be creative and somehow serve, but had no idea whether I was deluding myself
or how on earth I would do it. I had no real plan, but somehow sensed that if
I had the courage to keep following my heart, the plan would unfold and reveal
itself. I thought, “I do want to make a career out of this. I have benefited
so much myself so if I can find a way to give back the things I have learned
and be that source for other people, I would just be so happy to do that.”’
He wanted to be and do more in his life but was hamstrung by fear. ‘I
had massive resistance! At the time I didn’t understand resistance. It’s
only in the past three or four years that I’ve come to understand resistance
and that many people probably live their whole lives in resistance. I could
have done myself. I kept thinking, “But I am a computer salesman from
Essex, people like me don’t do things like that. Anyway, I can’t
even inspire myself at the moment, let alone inspire anyone else!” But
those inner voices would not go away and indeed got louder.
‘I was terrified at the time. I think I had 5% inspiration, 5% self-belief
and 5% self-confidence and 85% fear, doubt and uncertainty.’ Despite the
overwhelming fear, Williams eventually took the plunge and resigned from his
computer sales job, intent on following his heart and setting up his own personal
development business.
What made the difference? ‘Basically turning my motivation around from
“I’m terrified to leave” because of all my fear to “How
bad will it be if I’m still doing this in 40 years time?” I thought,
“I can have an adventure and see where my heart takes me or I can stay
safe and die emotionally or spiritually if not physically.” Eventually
it became too painful not to change. Anais Anin put it beautifully when she
wrote: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside
the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
He had begun to focus on the things he wanted in his life rather than those
he didn’t. ‘The resistance was initially, “Shall I leave and
shall I start my own business?” Once I had made that decision it was more
about “How can I make this work?” It was much more about know-how
and strategy. Probably like most people, the thought in the back of my mind
was, “If this doesn’t work out, I can always go back to selling
computers” but I knew deep in my heart that I never would.’
At that point, he had no experience of running a business. ‘I managed
pretty badly. I embarked on the journey with no road map. Nobody within my family
had ever run their own business. I made things up as I went along. I did some
things reasonably well and did some things pretty badly. I made mistakes. I
started doing it in 1990 so I’ve been self-employed for over 18 years
and if I’m honest, I’d say that it’s really only in the last
four or five years that I feel that I have a grasp of how you make a small business
work.’
Although he is now an in-demand speaker across the world, when he first began
giving talks he was plagued by fear. ‘It probably sounds like I was a
basket-case but when I first started giving talks 20 years ago, I would often
not be able to sleep the night before, worrying about whether I’d say
the right things. Afterwards, I’d beat myself up about the things I didn’t
say. However, while I was speaking, I noticed how wonderful I felt – I
felt as if I was on track and on purpose. Although I had resistance both before
and after giving the talks, the experience of doing them was wonderful…
over time, I have managed to shrink the resistance so that on the whole now,
I feel really excited about speaking. Sometimes, the fear is there… but
I have learnt that that never particularly goes away and it gives you the edge.
I don’t suffer like I used to.’
He is convinced that everybody has the potential to lead great lives. ‘In
everybody there is so much potential and there was in me because most of what
I am doing today I wasn’t able to do 20 years ago but the potential of
doing it was there. So many people have the potential but their resistance squashes
their potential.’ About 80% of human talent, love and potential goes unrealised
because of people’s resistance, he estimates.
‘I believe it is a spiritual impulse to have our life be the full expression
of who we are in essence. I believe that everyone has a positive destiny, a
person to become and gifts they have come to share with the human family. But
most of us aren’t bought up to believe that, let alone know how to discover
it. I think we all have the plan for our life encoded within us, so I am passionate
about helping as many people as possible discover, live and prosper in the work
they were born for. I feel it is one of my missions in life.’
The Cost Of Resistance
Resistance, says Williams, is the internal force that thwarts and undermines
and stops people from living the lives they were born for – their life’s
purpose. ‘The way I visualise or imagine it is that I believe we are all
a soul or a spirit and that there is a spiritual part of us and a personality
part of us and basically our soul or spirit just wants to express itself and
be great, because it is. The personality part of us just wants to keep us small
and afraid. Basically that is it. We are in a battle with the two parts of ourselves.
It’s about just gradually shrinking the resistance so that the true amazing
being that we are can shine through.’
Resistance can be the way you actively sabotage your own success. ‘The
thing you are most resisting being or doing is probably the thing that would
most fulfil you and you could probably be successful at. It’s probably
where you’d shine. You are resisting your vocation, your destiny and the
work you were born for.
Your desire to discover the work you were born for is your most natural and
heartfelt wish to experience the full expression of your gifts and hidden talents,
to take up your true place in life, to contribute to the welfare and success
of others, and for you yourself to prosper in the process. It’s a spiritual
impulse. When you find it and live it, you open the doors to great fulfilment
and prosperity. Yet relatively few people do. Their resistance wins over their
inspiration.
‘It may seem like your capacity to resist seems to be a greater force
than your inspiration, but it needn’t be when you understand the dynamics
of resistance.
‘Here are the three things you must understand about your resistance
so you can see through it to your greatness on the other side:
‘Resistance is not a character defect on your part, but simply part of
the operating software of being human. One of the biggest myths that people
hold is that they look at anybody who they regard as successful and almost by
definition they say they obviously didn’t have resistance because they
are successful. I think you only have to scrape below the surface and most successful
people will tell you about their own fears, worries and resistance. I think
we need to bust the myths and show that if you have resistance or fears you
don’t have a character defect… I think everybody has resistance
and I don’t think it’s a character defect on anybody’s part.
We all have resistance and we can all beat resistance.’
‘For years, I was unhappy, my life run by resistance and I didn’t
even realise. I knew I wanted to leave my corporate job and start my own entrepreneurial
venture, but I was terrified. I kept procrastinating, talking myself out of
it and creating drama in my life to avoid following the work I was born for.
In my experience, nearly every human being experiences resistance to a greater
or lesser degree.
‘I always enjoyed working with people. I enjoyed helping people and being
in service to people so I began to think maybe that was what I was going to
do but there was a lot of fear because I had to change my life and I didn’t
know how I was going to do it. So I think a lot of my teaching comes out of
my experience and compassion.
‘The more important something is to you and your soul’s evolution
or creative growth, the more likely you are to resist it. Resistance points
you at what you care about and to your own greatness. If you didn’t care,
and if it wasn’t important, why even bother to resist? You’d just
be indifferent. So start to become aware that your resistance can actually become
a pointer, a way of navigating your work and life. The more important something
is, the more it is likely to inspire you and the more likely you are to experience
resistance around it. Your resistance is a pointer to your latent talent and
your destiny.
‘What you are most resisting is success and your greatness. When you
stop yourself moving forward in your life it is usually because you believe
that by not acting you are saving yourself from potential pain. You fear failure,
looking stupid and making lousy decisions. But this is just a smokescreen. Resistance
wants to hide your greatness from you, by keeping you distracted with fear.
Crazy as it may sound, you may be even more afraid of your light, your power,
creativity and how bright you could shine. But your destiny is to live in extraordinary
life, not an ordinary one. Your greatness is on the other side of your resistance.
You need to beat your resistance for your own joy and fulfilment and the world
needs you to beat your resistance so it can benefit from your gifts and talents.
It’s time to play big.’
Sometimes though it’s difficult to tell if we are experiencing resistance
or intuition warning us we’re about to make a bad decision.
‘I think it’s really important for people to understand the difference
between their intuition and resistance. One of the ways you can do that is if
you have a brilliant idea that you get really inspired and excited about and
within minutes, days or weeks begin to talk yourself out of doing that is probably
resistance in operation because at one point you were feeling really great about
it. Intuition tends to be the other way around in that when your intuition says
don’t go in a particular direction, you tend to override it and say “But
it would make sense if I went in this direction” and then try to make
it fit logically even though your heart is telling you not to go in that direction.
‘The difference for me is that when we are in resistance we get inspired
and then begin to lose it whereas if our intuition is saying “Don’t
go in this direction” it never felt right in the first place and we are
trying to force ourselves to feel alright about it.’
How To Overcome Resistance
There are many ways to overcome resistance, Williams says. ‘A lot of
people aren’t even aware of resistance so number one is simply to become
aware of it. As with most things in life, if you are not aware of it, you can’t
do anything about it so become aware of what resistance is and how it is operating
within your life.
‘The next step is that when you know it’s operating then you have
some choice. If you know you are resisting something you want to do, then find
within you the courage to take the first steps to do it. I would call that courage.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. Feel the guilt and do it anyway. Feel the unworthiness
and do it anyway.
‘Then take baby steps. Sometimes people want to do something hugely significant
and take major leaps forward in their lives when what they really need to do
is take one little step and then another. Once they have some momentum going,
it will become easier.
‘Some people like to make grand gestures while others like the small
moves … I’m a believer in both. By all means make the grand gestures
but taking baby steps makes it easier to make the grand gestures because you’ve
already made investments.
‘Often the way through resistance is strategy – learning how you
do something… some people might want to make the move from being employed
to being self-employed but they don’t know how to set up their own business.
If they find out the ‘how to’ information (how to set up a business)
it demystifies the whole area and they know what steps they need to take. My
only proviso there is that sometimes people can use another training course
to feed their resistance – they will say “When I’ve been on
another training course then I’ll do it” or “When I’ve
read another half a dozen books, then I’ll do it”. I’m a great
believer in taking the first step right where you are and then learning more
as you go…
‘People also get tied up thinking about problems they don’t have
yet. “What happens if this happens five years down the line?” I
ask them why they’re trying to solve a problem they don’t even have
yet. One way through resistance is to focus on solving the problems that are
right in front of you now. What do you if you have to register for VAT in three
years’ time because you are turning over so much money? Deal with that
in three years time.
‘The other side of that is that people ask how they can avoid problems
and I tell them that you don’t avoid problems… To be awake and alive
as a human means you are going to have problems. Figure out what problems you
would like to have.
‘I don’t think that we can ever beat resistance completely –
we can only confront it on a day to day basis by knowing this is what we want
to do next and know that we are resisting it so we’re going to knuckle
down and take the first couple of steps towards it.
‘Another way through resistance is to make a commitment because sometimes
we think, “If I’m feeling good, I’ll do it and if I’m
feeling bad, I won’t do it” Sometimes you just have to do it regardless…
‘There’s a lovely quote from Somerset Maugham who was asked whether
he wrote at a particular time every day or only when he was inspired and his
answer was, “I sit down to write at nine o’clock every morning and
luckily inspiration strikes me at nine o’clock every morning.” To
me that was the sign of a true professional – an amateur says “I’ll
do it when I feel inspired” and the professional knows that the act of
sitting down to write, even if they don’t want to do it, will initiate
the inspiration. That’s the difference between an amateur and a professional.
One of the things I talk about is turning professional not just in terms of
money but in terms of a mindset too. A professional is somebody who has said,
“I will not let my resistance stop me.” It’s not necessarily
about the money it’s about the commitment to beating your own resistance.’
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